Lovehoney turns eleven this week and to celebrate they are running a competition here, to write [them] a poem, entertain [them] with your favourite Lovehoney moment or tell us how you’re celebrating to be in with a chance to win.”
Anyone who knows me, knows how much I detest poetry but while the kids were doing their swimming, I was motivated to produce this …
I was sitting on the sofa, talking to the wife
She was sat there knitting, our sex life needed spice.
I’d tried to get her interested, I bought her fifty shades of grey
But she burnt on the fire, much to my dismay!
Our sex life needed sparks; a smile, a little joy
I smiled a cheeky grin: “we need a new sex toy”
She scowled an angry look; had I lost my mind?
I reached for the ‘net; I knew what I would find!
I made her look with me; I asked her what she’d like?
Thousands of things to choose from, all on the same site.
We looked at the vibrators; the paddles, the whips, the chains,
The twelve-inch long dildos; the kinky rattan canes,
I saw her eyes sparkle, but she gave a little shrug.
Then her eyes widened, when she spied a big butt plug
She squealed and looked concerned, “where does that thing go?”
I rolled my eyes and giggled, “you really don’t want to know!”
She asked and looked determined, “I really am quite scared.”
No need to be worried, I joked, the base is rather flared
I liked the sexy games, such as naughty connect four,
My wife liked the paddles, to make my rear quite sore,
We argued over stuff; she’d always been quite mild
One scent of kinky toys, my wife turned rather wild
I wanted to inject some passion, I was starting to think twice
But she smiled and looked delighted, “don’t worry about the price!”
For sex toys on the net, are priced extremely fair
And while she was on the site, she replaced her underwear
I had to double-take, I thought I saw it wrong,
But my wife ditched all her knickers, for one vibrating thong
The parcel came last week, and I really am quite tired,
‘Cause whips and vibes a plenty, my wife’s been quite inspired
The knittings been forgotten, the jumper’s not been done,
Instead my wife’s replaced it, with hours of bedroom fun.
We spent all day in bed, she’s on orgasm twenty-seven
We lost count last night, I think I’ve gone to heaven!
My wife and I would wish, we’d really like to say,
You made our sex life better, enjoy your special day,
With new toys a plenty, I now have a wife to obey
Our thanks must go to our friends, lovehoney dot-co-dot-uk
Once again, thanks to Dirty Little Whispers, the Poetry mistress, for her advice 😛